Learning to Listen-How to improve any relationship-Life information-you can not ignore

How many times have we heard that as Parents or Husbands/Wives? The trick is knowing to understand the message through the background noise. There are so many factors involved here that are so important for Survival. Survival of your marriage or relationship. Survival and development of your childrens future. Your Survival...and  I really mean both mental and even physical. If your marriage is on the rocks or you have a troubled difficult child then believe me 'It's time to start Listening properly'.

The shutting down process:

There are reasons as to why you may not be listening to other people.

Firstly your partner may have developed the familiar habit of criticism, nagging or even worse verbal abuse. After years of being told how useless you are, how untidy, how inconsiderate...the list is endless. This is not quality communication and therefore you can't help but turn off. But this pattern of communication is most definitely telling you something that you need to listen too more broadly. It's a sign that things aren't well but not listening or responding is not going to help. It really is a communication breakdown on both sides.

Secondly you may be so exhausted from work, stress, a family crisis with relatives or your parents that you are preoccupied and probably wouldn't pay attention to anything...... short of a Jumbo Jet crashing through your roof. If your partner is in this situation then you should know this and give them some head space. If your partner is aware of your crisis and they still nag you for not listening then this also tells you something is wrong with your relationship. Unless....they may also be going through a crisis they can not communicate or you cannot comprehend. Like...being stuck at home with three young children and the car broke down..and Freddy vomited on your new dress...and wiped poo on the walls. Here in lies a trap, they may be angry frustrated and mad and nag you about some completely unrelated stuff so you turn off. 

You must also understand that children and teenagers in particular are still developing their brain and are less likely to be considerate but more likely to be selfish. Listening to them is a special art in itself.

When you really do have to Listen:

As I mentioned earlier when any kind of a relationship breaks down and hopefully long before things get bad you have to listen in a more focused way. If patterns of verbal abuse have developed you need to stop them. Get professional help! No person should ever suffer abuse, and verbal abuse is one of the worse kinds. Children hear a parent yelling at another and this profoundly effects their security and well being. It can lead to major behaviour problems which in itself will lead to another verbal confrontation between you and them. 

Eye contact..reading between the lines:

Eye contact is very important when you are talking to someone. If someone really loves you and cares so much that they would be devistated if you broke up...they will look into your eyes when you say..'Please listen I have something important to tell you' If they are looking at their feet or constantly looking away then unfortunately that tells you something bad. If they accuse you of not listening sit down with them and look in their eyes and say 'Now tell me what's on your mind?' If they fail to talk about anything substantial and can't look you in the eyes then you are probably in trouble. Sometimes the statement ' You never listen to me!'  really means 'Why can't you see whats going on stupid' a mixture of guilt and fear because they can't pluck up enough courage to tell you what is really going on.

Are you Listening?

If someone is accusing you of not listening be honest with yourself. If you really love someone, caring about what they tell you is important. If they look at you and tell you that they love you and they mean it then pay attention. Love is a gift, never take it for granted.

Are you talking?

Are you really telling your partner what's on your mind. Are you really honest about your feelings or do you have difficulty talking about personal fears and feelings. If this is affecting your marriage, you are faithful and love your partner tell them that. Go and seek professional help. Sometimes we make the ones around us suffer from our demons and that is not fair.

It's not all bad:

I would like to hope that your relationships are happy. I am a positive person and rate Love and Honesty above everything else.Don't forget to spend quality communication time with your loved ones. Say positive things and encourage them. Look them in the eye and tell them you love them. Kiss your partner for longer than 15 seconds a day, otherwise it qualifies as a pat on the back. Communication should be easy, love should be easy...Honesty is really what this is all about. Be honest with yourself and be honest with those who look to you for love, companionship and guidance.